today, the editor saw a tweet hot search: "should parents give up work for their children?" ”

star couples want their children to grow up unbounded, they have the strength to support, let the children grow up carefree, and have more time to accompany.

for most ordinary families, raising children is not easy, and we grew up with more or less the following complaints:

if it hadn't been for you, i would have...

every day so hard is not for you ...

parents use "for you..." and other words to educate children, hope that children can understand their hard work, grow up to know filial piety to their parents, occasionally say a few words is not justified.

but it's offensive to talk about it often, and sometimes the elders around you create this sense of guilt.

"now that you're working to make money, you can finally make your parents happy."

"your parents have worked hard for you all their lives, it's not easy."

every time i hear these words i am very resistant, feel that i have dragged down their parents before, is the meaning of their own life is to meet the expectations of others?

as children, do we really appreciate "self-sacrifice" parents?

1

forgive me for pouring cold water first

children rarely have real gratitude to their parents, and "grateful parents" appear more in literary works and at their parents' birthday parties.

as animals, it is essential for humans to breed the next generation, and it is normal for parents to make sacrifices for their children, and we will give all our own unreservedly to our next generation rather than our parents, and human civilization will live on.

therefore, our feelings towards our parents should not be "grateful", but understanding and tolerance and the ability to accompany and protect.

there is a kind of gratitude, called compulsion

i wonder if you've ever encountered the following scenarios:

mingming table has just made four dishes a soup, the old mother at home but take the initiative to eat leftovers, "humble" said "no eat pity, you eat new, these i eat..." the result of eating sick, but also self-touched.

take the initiative to help you bring children, stressed that in order to take children busy outside, sleep is not good, the result is always in front of you to complain, in fact, the elderly themselves can not leave the children.

this kind of "sacrifice of their own" to create guilt for their children, and in this way to kidnap children, often bring their own inexplicable anger and grievance, but has been in the heart, feel that no one understand, can not vent, and ultimately lead to the two generations of estrangement is growing.

2

the way of thinking of sacrificial parents

they think they are forced to pay for their children, so that they become payers, children become claimants. thus breaking the family relationship that should have been equal. emphasize a party's efforts in any relationship, and it will certainly make the relationship worse.

be wary of becoming a sacrificial parent

we need to have an understanding that children are born of their own choosing, and no one has asked about the child's wishes.

many parents simply do not know why to have children, may be human instinct, the pressure of public opinion? confused marriage, and confused birth.

it sounds ridiculous, but a lot of people live like this, and if you think of a child as an accident, a task, a hard-thuming arrangement into our lives, this sense of sacrifice will come soon.

because of you, i am how, this statement ignores the child is your own choice of birth premise.

3

the impact of sacrificial parents on children

when parents kidnap their children with "sacrifice of themselves", the child can never be himself.

when parents place their value on their children, children will also place their value on their parents' evaluation. this unstable sense of self-worth will be passed on, will enter a vicious circle of truth-seeking, so that generation after generation to become a sacrifice-oriented payer.

children become "good old people."

in this way, children who grow up in this environment will pretend to be very sensible, very obedient, to live as parents expect. they feel that the love they receive is based on conditions, and that children are prone to lack of love and worry about losing it.

over time do not know who they are, also dare not accept others to their own good, they worry that, like their parents, accept this "conditional" good, will lose themselves. so more often show a refusal to give, refuse others to their own good.

there will always be a reluctance, an inexplicable anger, a vague incummony.

4

how to break such a "magic spell"

as a parent must put aside the "good parents" set

in our traditional concept, a good parent should sacrifice himself for the sake of his children and his family, and we are easily hypnotized by this "culture".

if you set limits for yourself, forcing yourself to be a "good parent", it is equivalent to you give up a lot of self part, this time to put aside this person set, find lost self, life is not easy, there is no perfect, we do not have to do full parents.

learn to let go and be a "selfish" parent

many parents always want to give their children the best, want to deal with every detail of life to the best of beauty, put everything in hand, work and life of the dual pressure will sooner or later let themselves "suffocate", over time will fall into the "complain - lose themselves - seek feedback - excessive sacrifice" quagmire can not extricate themselves.

in fact, from the child's point of view, but also hope that parents can be "selfish" a little, enjoy their own lives. because only if parents have their own lives, children can feel at ease to fight for their future.

4

written at the end

all love in this world is for the sake of encounter, only one love is for separation, this is the love of parents.

the real success of being a parent is to separate your child from your life as an independent individual, and the sooner you are separated, the more successful you will be.